Bradley’s Taekwando

Dear Diary,

Whoa, it sure has been a while since I last wrote to you. There’s so much to tell you. I’ve been away in the Jehovah Witness Protection Program as volunteer-hired muscle, but after some crazy legal battles and a few restraining orders, I am no longer allowed to set foot within twenty feet of a Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Don’t ask me about it, it’s complicated… It’s okay though because now I’m off the grill, back on the grid, and ready to flamingo!

Oh! You will never believe what happened to me! Last week Alex and I found a coupon for a free martial arts class!!! It was just lying there underneath an old mattress behind KFC.

Bradley Taekwondo Coupon Martial Arts

I know! What are the odds that THIS coupon would be underneath THIS mattress behind THIS KFC, right? Well Alex flipped a coin and told me “pretty good” –I took it as a sign that for once in my life I was at the right place at the right time! The coupon was expired by three days, but luckily for us, Alex is super nifty at forging documents.

change, coupon, expiration date, funny, fix, edit

Now before you get ahead of yourself, “Bradley’s Taekwondo” is not like any other Kung Fu gym you’ve ever heard of and sensei Bradley is not like any other Karate master you’ve ever seen. This guy’s the real deal! He’s devoted his entire life to mastering martial arts. He knows how to do EVERYTHING! He knows Parkour, Yoga, Taebo, Crossfit, Pilates, Salsa, Gymnastics and even Ninjitsu!!! He shows me YouTube videos so I can learn how to be the best. Bradley’s methods are a bit extreme, but he pushes Alex and me to test our limits and ascend to great new heights in our martial arts training.

Now that I’ve had my evaluation, my life is now devoted to the “way of the warrior,” and I’ve taken a vow to never eat gum off of the pavement again. I can’t believe you can become a Blue Belt just for bringing a friend. I didn’t tell him that Alex is my brother; some things are just best left unsaid. It’s kind of like how Bradley doesn’t want me to get intimidated from his awesome Kung Fu, so he doesn’t demonstrate how to do things. I totally get where he’s coming from. After all, I’m just a blue belt and Bradley has two black belts! He doesn’t wear them at the same time though. That would just be silly.

Well it was great catching up with you! I need to go practice more Kung Fu!

Hugs and more Hugs,

Dmitrious

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New Beginnings

Dear Diary!

I can’t believe I let myself be duped so easily. I figured it all out… now before I tell you how it all went down, I just want to say that, I kind of, sort-of, knew it all along.

Remember that song that I wrote that said it wanted to kill me? Turns out, it was me all along. I was trying to kill myself without even knowing it. Sounds a little crazy, right? You’re probably wondering how that’s even possible–It is, and if you’ll give me your hand, I’ll take you there.

So everyone and their uncle knows that I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid. I would sleepwalk and then I would wake up on the stairs, in the bathtub, on the floor–you name it! I once heard a story about some dude who wore a bell to sleep, so his wife could keep track of him if he started sleepwalking; but one day, he didn’t have it on and he walked out of his front door never to be seen again. Well that absolutely terrifies me because this guy just liked to walk around, I apparently, like to make enemies in my sleep.

I remember a dream that I had now. I had forgotten it completely upon waking up, but a couple of weeks later, as Dmitrious and I were eating yogurt, it all came rushing back:

ishvalan villager warning

There was a simple villager who came to visit me. His world was a torn down place, shattered and on the brink of insurmountable ruin. My bet was that he was actually from Ishval–a place from this cool new show I’ve been watchingHe looked pale and scared. Actually, this guy looked exactly like me—no, he was me. That’s what initially made me think that he came from parallel universe and also because his sense of fashion was way better than mine. But the words that he spoke… they were the same as the words in my song. 

When I woke up, I was sitting in my computer chair, headphones on with my face in a pool of drool on my keyboard. I didn’t think that was too strange then. That sort of thing happens all the time. But after this time, It makes me think that maybe wearing a bell to bed isn’t such a bad idea actually.

I’ll let you know how it goes, Diary. Maybe Snowball and I will get matching bells and then go on adventures at night together. That would be amazing! I wouldn’t get lost because Dmitrious has volunteered to watch over me using his homemade GPS tracking device. The coolest part is that it’s almost completely undetectable by the human eye. Technology is crazy these days!

Clever GPS Sleepwalking Tracking Device

Oh yeah, one more thing. Happy New Year’s, Diary! 2013 was great and all, but I think I’m ready for a new beginning. 🙂

My resolution this year is to make new friends and to celebrate Columbus Day!  Oh yeah, and one more thing. I need hang out with you more. Let’s make this year the best one ever together!

Your Best Friend, Alex!
XOXO

Brotherhood — The Full Flannel Alchemist

Dear Diary,

I have found it! The thing I’ve needed in my life all along, “Full Metal Alchemist”. It’s an anime. Okay, I know you’re gonna say cartoons are for kids, but it’s more than just a cartoon, it’s a way of life! It’s about these, like, two guys who are brothers and stuff (like Alex and I), but they have powers and they make people out of nothing and then they use the law of equipment exchange to change arms into swords whenever they want. I want that power so bad! I would change my cat into a skateboard, then I would name her Skateball instead of “Snowball (her actual name). Oh the possibilities…

On a side note, Alex has been waaaay more into the series than I have. I’ve only seen the first series—he’s already seen the movie and is getting pretty heavy into the second series now. Even more, he has started drawing transmission circles just about everywhere! Don’t believe me!? Check out what he did to our grocery list…

Full Metal Alchemist Shopping List

Unforgivable! Even worse though, he’s been walking around the apartment calling himself the “Full Flannel Alchemist!”… and he keeps saying that “the art of Flannel Alchemy has been passed down the Bistrevsky line for generations!” I told you he’s been a lot more into it than I have! Usually I can imagine him going this far, but he’s even found a way to surprise me. I was clearing out my camera memory card and found 27 selfie’s that he took of himself wearing that stupid blue flannel shirt. Okay, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but do you want to see one of them?

Full Flannel Alchemist

I don’t know what’s more weird though, him having taken all of these photos, or me having to actually create a new folder called “Alex’s ‘Full Flannel Alchemist’ Selfie Collection

New folder full flannel alchemist

But lately, it’s been non-stop talk about some song that he wrote that he says carries a message from parallelogram universe or something like that. He says that he’s in some kind of trouble and that State Alchemists are definitely after him. I don’t want to be a downer or anything, so I just let him dream. It would be really cool though if he stopped doing those random password checks through the door whenever I try to enter the apartment. He always asks me questions that “only I would know the answer to”… Usually I don’t know the answer on the first try, like when he asked me what my favorite yogurt flavor was. How am I even supposed to keep track of that!? Everyone knows that yogurt is just melted ice cream in disguise. But he let’s me guess until I get the answer right, which is nice and all, but it can still get pretty frustrating. It’s cool that he’s having fun, but hopefully he doesn’t take it too far. If so I’ll be there to keep him level-headed.

But yeah, that’s about it! Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I found a new body wash! It’s called ‘Old Spice’. I totally thought it would smell like moldy paprika, but it actually smells pretty good. I can’t wait to try it out, I’ll let you know what I think of it!

It’s been good catching up! Your #1 Pal,

Dmitrious

Old Spice transmutation Alchemy Full Metal Alchemist

Every Terra Kerzam!

Dear Diary,

It’s been a wild ride ever since I disappeared and lost my memory. Dmitrious had to fill me in on everything that went down, but a lot of it is still foggy for me. I still can’t shake the feeling that something is off. For instance, there’s been a song in my head all morning and I can’t figure out where it came from. If I were to attempt to write out the tune it would sound something like this:

“Dun dun dunny dun ti–tip–tss
badip doo–doop ka karaoke ginny winny
faloop woop dooly ba doop (woo)
ba-baba-ba–baba-ba-bonny (what)
Hera era stop polluting every terra kerzam!”

It was bugging me so much that I decided I needed to record it to get it completely out of my system. Well guess what, I did record it and it sounded really, really good! I’m talking radio hit status. Sold out show and I’m the headliner. Real and raw. A grand musical achievement. I could go on all day about how awesome it was, but what was really astounding is what came next. It was the strangest thing! As I was trying to close out of my recording software, my finger slipped, accidentally playing my audio track in reverse

Uh… well that was weird. Who was that even? The person behind that message seemed desperate and scared. Wait, did they say that somebody was after them? And what was that part about them coming after me next? Could that really happen? Nah, who am I kidding, that’s impossible! I made up this song today randomly. There’s no way that, that could be true! Right?…. Right?

*Phew*  Well, I guess that settles that! I knew I had absolutely nothing to worry about! My mind can get kind of crazy sometimes, so I’m glad Dmitrious is there to keep me in line. Dmitrious and I have this new philosophy that we now live by:

“Out with the bad vibes and in with the good times!”

Nothing but good times ahead for me, Dairy.

Your best friend, Alex!
XOXO

Have You Seen My Brother?

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I guess I just got really busy with “grown up” stuff. Alex went missing, which was kind of weird. They found him asleep in a furniture store. I think he went couch surfing, though he claims he doesn’t know how he got there. Like I’m that gullible! How can you not know where you went? He needs to keep that Oldtimers in check!

Side note: I ran out of milk. Alex is usually the one who buys it, but he was off who-knows-where having the time of his life! After three weeks of no milk, I had to take matters into my own hands. That’s right, I went to Ralph’s and posted flyers with Ralphie.

Lost Brother Have you seen my brother
People were giving us the weirdest looks. Probably because Ralphie strutted in like he owned the place. I had to say no when he put a bottle of Caguama in my shopping cart. Poor guy, he doesn’t even know that he’s too young to drink beer.

Caguama Beer

The Beer of Champions

I waited a few hours, but not a single fax telling me that they found Alex, so I knew that I would have to turn to Craigslist for answers. I wrote my post and then had Ralphie proofread for me. Ralphie is surprisingly good with the English language believe it or not. He watches a lot of Spongebob, so there will be a Spongebob quote every once in a while, but I like that. I had a bunch of nice people message me, but none of them saw Alex.

craigslist looking for bro

Just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, Ralphie ran away! Can you believe it!? After everything I did for him! I made a bed out of hay to sleep in–he had a pretty severe allergic reaction to it actually and had to sleep on the stairs. I also taught him how to eat with chopsticks, which is really hard to teach by the way. And how does he repay me? By running away! Now he’s off sleeping on stairs and eating chopsticks all on his own somewhere.

*  *  *

And then Alex shows up this morning saying he can’t remember where he’s been.  Worst part is, he didn’t even have milk. I guess that It’s good to have him back, but sometimes I miss Ralphie, I’ll be honest. I guess I’ll just have to try Craigslist again, but I’ll keep the back door open. Just in case Ralphie ever decides to come back.

XOXO Dmitrious

The Legend Of Cave Boy

Warwick Hotsauce League of Legends

 

Dear Diary,

So I’ve been playing League of Legends a little more than usual lately. And by “a little more” I mean I just finished a nine hour LoL love affair with my keyboard. Interact with people? Heh, I guess you could say that I’ve been doing that all day! My fingers are sore just from the sheer amount of pwnage I’ve enacted upon the unready flesh of my foes.

But I grow tired of such silly games. My online contenders no longer present a challenge to me, so I’ve decided to pursue greater endeavors and bring my League of Legends game to life. I’ve dressed up as Warwick! I don’t have a wolf costume, but I put on gray sweat pants, which is almost like the same thing. I was out crawling through the brush, looking for Mobs, and brandishing my weapons at birds and other creatures. You would not believe what five bucks at Dollar Tree could get you: swords, shields, plates of armor–I have it all! I’m a walking—talking—death-dealing—wolf-machine and if you have a problem with me, you can talk to the claws!

OH, but GUESS WHAT!? So get this, I’m stalking my prey, a small rodent of the ground variety, and then just as I’m about to pounce, I hear something like the scatter of pebbles scraping against one another followed by the crash of some fallen rock debris. It scared away my prey and I was left chasing the scent of whatever just scared away my lunch. After the winding chase up a series of jagged cliffs and a steep mountain path, I cornered him. A small boy—dirty, scared, and all alone in this world. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. I couldn’t just leave him there. So I gave him my bugles and he hitched a ride to town on my back.

The strangest part though–he looks exactly like Alex! I kid you not! He doesn’t speak any English and he smells like a tire factory, but he is my pet and I love him! I have dubbed him Ralphie and he will be my new League of Legends prodigy. 😀 I can’t wait to show Alex his cave boy twin. Come to think of it, where is Alex, anyways? I haven’t seen him around lately. Oh well, serves him right to find out at the last moment; that guy never tells me anything anyways; probably went hot tubbing with girls or is at Couchella or wherever it is that he hangs out at…

Well, anyways, I gotta go. I’m teaching Ralphie about condiments. He really likes ketchup, but I’ve been sneaking in packets of hot sauce here and there. You should see his face, it’s the funniest thing!

Your #1 Pal,

Dmitrious~<3

Into The Wild

Alex and a large dog in the mountains.

Dear Diary,

This was the best decision ever! Everything is so great up here! I’ve got the fresh mountain air, beautiful nature everywhere, and animal friends all around me. They come to me from the underground burrows to the treetops farther than the eyes can see. I feel my power growing stronger with every passing second. My reflexes are sharp and my fingernails are like tiny little claws, I’ve learned—useful for stripping away tiny pieces of bark to be munched on later. Today, I found my spirit animal, a pale Akbash by the name of Rex and a Guardian at heart. He’s helping me understand myself in ways I’ve never known. I guess you could say that I have it made here.

It didn’t come all at once though. I’ll admit, there were some challenges to be faced. Many of which, I guess, could have possibly stemmed from my extreme lack of preparation. I thought string cheese and Gatorade would be enough to hold me for a while, but it wasn’t long before I was hungry for more. Empty pocketed, I scoured the forest brushes for mushrooms and caught rain droplets with a small leaf I found sleeping on a rock.

Later, I faced a slight mishap involving a slippery dirt path, a stick, and my anus, regrettably. I’m proud to announce though that I have finally made a full recovery and that my anus is no longer in jeopardy. But it was there, collapsed along that dirt path down on my buttocks, that I discovered something that was as incredible as it was mysterious. A combination that was incredibly mysterious to me. A simple heap of stone and one which stood above the rest. No ordinary stone, mind you, but a stone of legends. My mind began to wander:

What ancient civilization had placed these stones? Why here? What did it all mean? Was it an omen of ill or a promise of good?  But most importantly: What ancient powers did it hold and did they somehow have plans for me?

Before I knew it, my feet, my arms–my whole body began to gravitate towards it. I simply couldn’t rip myself away from its strangely alluring aura. My hands, incapable of reason, began to reach out towards it. I wanted it all for myself.

It would be mine! My stone. My Ancient Power. My Destiny to fulfill!

Adventurer finds an Ancient rock wielding mysterious powers

Love,

Your Best friend, Alex!
XOX— “Oh, hey! I didn’t know there were other people up here!
Hey, you guys friends of the birds?” .  .  .

 

*THUD*

The remains after an ambush.